I never really planned to address what I am about to "talk about" here. It's personal, private and very painful. However, as a writer, writing it out can be cathartic. That is what I'm hoping for anyway. But most importantly it is my true hope that if this reaches someone in my situation, or someone who knows someone who is considering what I want to discuss, then maybe this post will help.
I have been out of the loop completely for the last month. I've hardly looked at a computer but for a few times. I've only spoken with or been around very close family and friends, and mainly my children. Some of you may be aware of the reasons why, and for those of you who aren't--please be advised that this is going to be as honest as possible and painful to write and to read, so if you are not in a good space skip today's post and give me some time. I promise I will be back on a lighter note in the future.
A month ago my family suffered a tragic loss through suicide. To protect family, I will not go into who it was, some of you may know and I ask that it remain private. I can tell you that it has affected us so deeply and shaken our very core. I wake up now every morning and I think, "Oh my God. This really did happen." Throughout the day, I have a variety of emotions traveling through me that range from shock and horror, complete and total anger and grief and sadness--and finally confusion. It is like being held down by a vat of mud encasing the entire body. It is the most exhausting, draining experience I have ever been through. People don't talk about it, but maybe people should be talking about it. I think they should.
I was in the book store the other night and even with what seemed like a ton of people there, I felt like no one could see me and honestly that I didn't want to be seen. Someone very close to me related it to feeling like he is in a fog now all day long and there is just this grey around him. Everything around us feels so surreal. I even said to myself the other night looking in the mirror that I feel like I am living someone else's life. I don't want to live someone else's life. I'm a happy person. I love life and I love my people and I love my animals and I love to write. The people closest to this person also loved their lives, loved their friends, family--loved this person completely. However, this situation has darkened it in a way that I feel too that there will always be this sense of "grey" close by. I am certain for those closest to this person feel the same way. For some, this situation has stripped them of any faith they had. It's understandable, but also so very sad.
I can't even express here how truly upsetting this situation is. The words here don't even begin to tap into the reality of multitude of emotions. As a writer, I can't even get there and express it properly. There simply are no words. The people left behind are left here to ask over and over the questions: "Why?" "Could I have helped?" How could I have made this different? Why, why, why is constant. The guilt is tremendous for all.
There were children in this person's life and I know these questions will remain on their heart and I know that their lives are changed forevor. It is so difficult for me to wrap my mind around any of it. All I can say is that for anyone who has ever considered taking their own life as a viable possibility to easing life's pains, it won't. It will only cause more grief, more pain, more heart ache for so many left behind. If you ever find yourself in such a dark place or you know someone who has been there/is there please reach out. There are people who care and love. There are answers. There are ways of getting through the hard times. They are there. Leaving a family, leaving friends behind to suffer and to question is never an answer. It doesn't take away the love that was felt for this person, especially from the kids, but the suffering is immense and on most days (at least right now) I think it overshadows the love that was there.
There are two things that I keep coming back to in order to heal (and there truly will never be a complete healing in this situation) and that is faith and time. Faith and time is what I am counting on right now.
I want to thank so many of you who have sent support, warm wishes, kindness, prayers, and lots of love. My family is so grateful for all of it.
On a positive note, this has all really reminded me just how important family, friends, and relationships are. That is where true joy comes from. I feel blessed to have so many people around me (and animals) who everyday show me how truly wonderful they are.
Many, many warm wishes to you and yours,