Saturday, February 27, 2010

Powerless and Pissy

(The kid and I wrote this blog yesterday, but I'm happy to say we now have power!)

Oh. God. Killlll meeeeeee! It’s Friday night and we haven’t had power since just before midnight on Thursday. I’m a baby about this. People have gone without the comforts of electricity for much longer than this, but I am near the edge of insanity. I have zero coping skills.

Thursday

12: 10 a.m.: Wind is atrocious. Howling, annoying, relentless. The last woman is about to skate her individual Olympic performance and the power cuts out. Not that I even really follow women’s ice-skating, but I was following it at the moment. The noise outside is enough to wake the dead and I’m hearing something suspicious going on with the deck. I could maybe tolerate noise and fear of exploding transformers, but I cannot sleep without my beloved white noise machine. Will pray that husband falls into some sort of rhythmic and soothing snoring pattern.

12:35 a.m.: Husband is indeed snoring, but sound is laced with aggravating snorts and is completely not relaxing. He’s so insensitive. God, at least he could snore effectively. Manage to locate bathroom without smashing into any furniture and return to bed uninjured. Hear small peep noise and know exactly what this is. Use vulgar curse word. Twice. Put two pillows over head. Peep! Damn fire alarm is pissed off about lack of electricity. Every sixty seconds supposed safety device expresses displeasure by producing peep! Sure I cannot locate one of two flashlights in pitch darkness, so stumble around and shut doors to muffle noise. Eventually peeping becomes reliable somehow soothing noise. Think nice thoughts about previously disparaged fire alarm, and manage to fall asleep somewhere around 2:30 with the belief that I will awake to power.

4:30 a.m.: Am woken up by husband’s cell phone alarm. Hear racket and loud thud as he gets for work. Giggle maliciously because I am sure he has fallen and nothing is funnier than when people fall.

Friday

8:30 a.m.: Kid wakes me up. “You know those triangles on the deck? They’re coming off.” First thought is that I couldn’t care less about “triangles” because I am well aware, even in my exhausted state, that I cannot make coffee. The world is clearly ending.

9:30 a.m.: Oh. “Triangles” means the lattice on the deck. We are missing three pieces that have blown off the pergola. They are nowhere to be seen. Huh. Assume they have flown into neighbor’s house and caused expensive damage that we will be sued for. Cannot tolerate this thought without caffeine.

10:30 a.m.: Spent an hour getting to and from lone reachable Dunkin’ using circuitous route to avoid down trees and power lines. Got two large coffees and an earful of colorful swear words from fellow caffeine seekers. That was fun actually. Kid wore Mario pajamas and played DSi via car charger. He kept saying profound things like, “Oh, the carnage!” as we drove by messes on the street.

10:45 a.m.: Already violently bored and ashamed at utter dependence on technology. Want to cry because I can’t visit the site where my guest blog is sitting without me. Blog hosts probably think I’m despicable. I call my mother on my cell and insist she post a comment. More importantly, though, I need to know what Perez Hilton has to report. And I need to know who has sent me a glittery postcard on Facebook that I will immediately delete. And there could be something urgent in my e-mail, like a link to a store that wants to sell me products to enhance my penis. I need this. My penis is obviously so small that people I don’t even KNOW are worrying about me. Power cannot possibly be out much longer. 

11:45 a.m.: Coffee is cold, despite my having stored it in various metal thermoses. Locate fondue pot and heat coffee over sterno flame. Kid is thrilled. Kid is then immediately bored again. Appropriately enough, we play board games, which we now refer to as “bored games,” because they’re boring. I particularly hate Monopoly. Even though I won. And even though I bought The Mall of America and Disneyland. Both of those places probably have power. Resent Monopoly purchases.

12:00 p.m.: Officially in sweaty panic now because do not have Internet access. Am strung out and in severely foul mood. We are near the airport so should be one of the first streets back up. At least it’s not freezing out, so the unheated house is tolerable. State of mind, however, not so much.

1:00 p.m.: Make ramen soup for the kid in the fondue pot. I eat weird assortment of olives, cheese, and hummus and stray piece of salami. Crave steaming hot meal cooked on modern miracle known as “stove.” Would even accept “microwave” as substitute. Already hear repair noises outside that surely indicate workers are rapidly restoring power! Stomach growls in anticipation.

1:30 p.m.: Tour neighborhood with kid and dog. Turns out repair noises are actually sounds from many generators on street.  Observe trees ripped out by roots, broken fences, and general signs of wind damage. Still can’t find lattice. Get to neighbor’s house across from the common land in our backyard. “Any chance you’ve seen the lattice that blew off of our deck?” I ask. “Sure,” he says. “Want to come see it?” I’m thinking, not really. If it’s been jettisoned into someone’s car window, then definitely, no. Turns out lattice is laying on our roof. Like looking for glasses that you’re wearing. Kid is toting around a long tree branch and nearly removes our eyes. That might be less painful than this day.

2:30 p.m.: In exciting activity (well, exciting compared to the rest of the day), the kid and I get the lattice off the roof. Seems his tree branch made perfect tool for snaring lattice! Kid is genius and I apologize for having said something along the lines of, “I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON’T DROP THAT GODDAMN BRANCH I’M GOING FREAK OUT!”

3:30 p.m.: Still hate Monopoly. Spend ten minutes cleaning out the junk drawer in the kitchen and assess battery situation. Not terrible. Also clean out Chia Pet seed that has spilled all over drawer. Arrange mini-screwdriver set. Throw out five thousand packets of duck sauce and then wonder how they would have fared in the fondue pot.

3:40 p.m.: Play Scrabble on the kid’s computer. For someone who likes words as much as I do (I’m a f’ing WRITER, for Christ’s sake), it is quickly revealed that I am terrible at Scrabble. Game starts and I spell D-E-P-O-R-T. Computer immediately spells R-E-T-C-H. I take this as a sign and shut the game down. I play Hearts and kick some ass. My jubilation is absurd. Wish I was drunk at a college party playing Hearts and forcing others to down disgusting keg swill.

4:10 p.m.: Mom calls my rapidly draining cell to say that the news is reporting this situation, “is like the ice storm of 2008 without the ice.” Oh. The ice storm where people lost power for ten days? That sounds great. I really hope that happens.

4:40. p.m.: Yay. It’s getting dark. Have reheated morning’s coffee, using almost all the sterno, and am now drinking lukewarm sludge. Realize that I had a cleaning fit a few weeks ago and tossed a bunch of candles that had been unused for ten years. “We’ll never use THESE,” I’d screamed like a fool. Lit three wasabi-scented candles and house now smells idiotic. Stupid Party Lite parties.

5:00 p.m.: Pouring out now. Am wearing two pairs of socks, t-shirt, Patriots’ mock turtleneck, maternity sweater (because loss of electricity apparently causes obesity), a vest, and sweatpants. Outfit will be a great hit at f’ing Olive Garden. Realize am hideously high-maintenance because will not be able to flat-iron hair before going out to dinner. Am decidedly un-pioneer like in approach to day, but am willing to accept any derogatory label right now in exchange for electricity. And heat. And Internet. And hot water.

5:30 p.m.: Oh, joy! Thunderstorms! Can’t imagine this will impede electrical repair, right? Kid says, “Yeah, because… Can I say wuss?” I let kid use the word because, hell, it’s just that kind of day. “Yeah, because some power men are just like wusses.”

5:40 p.m.: Living room bears strong similarity to candlelight vigil that would be held for missing 80s actor. Or gaudy church display. Or Wiccan ceremony. Consider pros and cons of attempting to summon spirits and decide this will only be done as a last resort for entertainment. Note: I do not smell good. Will go with “putrid” as most accurate term.

6:29 p.m.: We’re sitting on the couch, writing this blog together. He is eating pretzel fish and I think I’m eating a piece of bread with cheese. It’s hard to be sure, though, since I can’t really see what I grabbed from the fridge. The cheese will probably give me food poisoning, but whatever. The kid is glad the freaked-out dog is with us. “It wouldn’t be a party without him,” he says. I sigh, and point out, “It’s not much of a party now, is it?” Nick agrees. “It’s more like a candle party.” He pauses. “Or the Worst. Party. Ever.”

6:35 p.m.: I tell a story from when he was three-years-old. He was really sick with a stomach bug and so we had him in our bed. Yes, of course he threw up there again at two in the morning. (Live and learn.) I change all the bedding and we are all finally about to go to sleep again. Then Nick says sternly, “P.U.” I don’t say anything. “P.U.” I still don’t talk. “P.U. SOMEBODY ‘frowed’ up!” We had a good laugh despite the smell of vomit hanging in the air. Oh, those were the days… Nick likes this story. Good. I have plenty of ‘em.

6:49 p.m.: Nick pretends to puke. I realize I have stooped to telling throw up stories. We need to regroup.

Nick whistles. Catcall style. “Hey! Look what I learned how to do!” Lovely. A silver lining from the day is that he can harass women.

If the kid and I are still blogging tomorrow, then God help us all.  But even the Mac battery probably won’t make it until then and so we’ll really have nothing left to do.


The kid’s thoughts on the day: “Last night was torture. Today was a rough day for me. We went looking for the lattice and we found it and I used my awesome stick to get one of the lattice pieces off of the roof. Also me and my mom, we played Monopoly. I think it was pretty great. Also I went to my friend Ethan’s house. That’s all I got, I guess. Oh, I got something else to say: Why does my mom hate Monopoly? Inga was trying to eat your cheese, but I said she better not or she might get food poisoning.”

41 comments:

The Stiletto Gang said...

Hi Jessica,
No power is no fun. I finally fixed a "storm" box with batteries, radio, unscented candles and matches. Of course now that I'm prepared I haven't needed any of that stuff. Maybe you shoulc fix up a box - seems to ward off evil storms.

Rhonda
aka The Southern Half of Evelyn David

Jessica Conant-Park said...

Huh. This is actually a VERY good idea!

Shel said...

Actually, I figured you were just fuming about my somewhat provocative remarks on Mystery Lover's Kitchen til I read your mom's comment. Having her do that gave everyone a big charge, especially me! Glad your power is back on and you've returned to civilization! Missed you!

Lori's Reading Corner said...

You should have come down to visit me!!!

Dru said...

I'm glad your power is back.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

Michele Scott and Jessica Park said...

Oh, Shel, never!

Leann Sweeney said...

OMG, thank you for the laughs. Too funny. Your words not the losing power. I live in hurricane country and I know it "ain't" fun when all the lines and trees are lying around like someone had been playing a huge Jinga game and lost. Is it Jinga? That would be hard to play in the dark.

Michele Scott and Jessica Park said...

Jenga. Yeah, it's still in the board game category for me. I'm not fooled by the vertical nature of that game.

Michele Scott and Jessica Park said...

OKay, you for sure are the comedienne of the two of us. I'm laughing so hard that Java is looking at me like I'm crazy, which we both know is probably true.

Glad the power is back on. The sun is out here. Now do not call me a four letter word for that. I keep trying to get you to move West.

I am just really, really happy we can talk on the phone again and bitch about this and that and everything in between. Life isn't the same without you. :)

Michele

Sarah said...

Freaking hilarious post - thanks, Jessica! I needed the laugh :-)

Sarah

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